Why does the Dragon follow the Phoenix?
It has always been rooted in Asian culture with the symbolism of the Dragon and the Phoenix. The two mythical characters epitomize the “yang” (representing the Dragon) and the “yin” (Representing the Phoenix). The two co-exist to create a harmonious coupling similar to today’s Hollywood power couples. In terms of gender assignment, the Dragon usually is associated with the male while the Phoenix is associated as the female gender. Tying this further into a lot of cultures around the world, it is believed that the man (Dragon) goes and hunts while the women (Phoenix) would be responsible for the gathering. While the purpose of this writing is not to debate gender bias, it is important to this narrative to reflect that the biases do exist thus forming societal expectations. So what happens when now the men are gatherers while the women went out to hunt? What are societal norms and reactions to such role reversal? In this writing, I attempt to explain my own experience with my spouse and describe a journey that has many pains as it does the rewards. It is when the “Dragon follows the Phoenix”.
What got us here?
Well, it’s a question that has a long answer but for the sake of keeping this passage brief, we got here through a series of conscious and unconscious decisions that were taken together. The fork in the road for our decision came when we left Asia and moved to Europe. Why might you ask? When we were living in Asia, we had two of a lot of things, such as two cars, two drivers, two helpers who were responsible for raising our kids. We were really operating as a family unit, but rather we interacted as transections. Examples included sometimes only getting to see my spouse at airport lounges as one flies out while the other is just arriving. Or on weekends, our daughters were off doing their own thing until we got together for dinner. Overall, we were all living separate lives while occupying the same space. However, when we landed in Europe, those conveniences such as drivers and helpers were no longer options and it was up to us to carry forward. It was that one difficult conversation that we made a choice as a couple to have one person slow down on their career climb while the other person continued their climb on the corporate ladder. By now, I am sure you have figured out the outcome of the choice just simply by looking at the title.
Why do you call it a “Choice?”
While the path to a choice was not easy, it was one that needed to be done. While all the careful thought and care was given for our choice, it goes without saying that the choice was one that was a path not commonly taken. One could equate leaving a well-marked hiking trail and deciding to make new trails on your own. Why that matters is that you’ve made a choice to leave the main path and by deciding to make a new path, the rewards or risks are yours to bear. We cautiously shared our family setup with those closer in our circles and the responses were both positive and negative. Most responses can be correlated to the societal expectations of the male hunter and female gatherer. As an Asian male, I must admit my own internal crises my own identity when hearing certain comments about my choice to prioritize family over the career ladder. The struggles go deeper when it comes to people who are closer to you such as the disappointment expressed by your own mother about your choices. Even the backhanded comments from my closer friends such as “You are going to be a house husband eating Bon-Bons every day” does evoke certain negative emotions. Upon further reflection, I come to realize that there are three important things that I hold as my core values. Those values are:
1) Be clear on my own identity
2) Prioritize my family
3) Support my wife towards her career ambitions
More importantly, I recognize that when any of the above core values are impacted, my overall well being becomes affected. Understanding your core values ensures that you have a North Star and will help you with making adjustments as needed during your journey. On this journey, I also recognize that I am not steering the ship along but I have a co-captain who is my wife, and she too helps me to keep my true North Star direction. It is really about a team collaboration in which the “boat” you are steering requires all hands on deck to get you to the destination. I recently read an excellent article on the Harvard Business Review that talks about “Power Couples” and how those couples create success and/or failure based on their ability to navigate the journey. I really take to heart the quote from this article “Dual-career couples move from independent to interdependent careers and lives.” This is important for our marriage because it’s about having the communication, respect, and love that helps us to have those uncomfortable discussions and re-align our journey as needed.
So has the journey been worth it thus far?
While the definition of success can be quite subjective, I would say that there are certain key indicators such as the overall happiness of the family comes from our interactions whether it be dinner table debates or simply the memories created through our short and long excursions. What I had hoped is our two daughters would grow up to be a confident person like their mother, and for them to know that there are other paths beyond the one taken by many. This becomes more evident our eldest daughter is two years away from starting her next journey being independent on her own and headed off to college. While we continue on this journey as co-captains of our ship, we make concerted efforts to ensure that we are checking in with each other through quality conversations about this journey. Because I have seen first hand the consequences when alignment is not discussed and the assumption of everything is okay becomes not okay. While I don’t may not know what the future has in store for our family, I do know that we at least made efforts to prioritize our family through our choices.
